Muppet Learning Curve

I am now a year into this strange triathlon experiment.  I celebrated the anniversary by competing in a repeat of the very first event I had tried back in 2012.  The Ringmer Novice Triathlon.

So what was the net result?  How much have I improved, if at all?  And how steep has the learning curve been?

The answer to the first two questions, in an extremely simplified sense, is 5 seconds.

If you look at the time I did last year and then compare it to the time I did this year, the difference was a mere 5 seconds.

But there is more to say here.  Last year I completed the 250m swim in 8mins 37secs, whereas this year it was 5mins 12secs.  A massive improvement over such a short distance (the fact I see this as a really short distance tells a story as well).  Transition was in a different place and much further away, yet my bike time was roughly the same as last year (they include the transitions in the bike time at this one).  Therefore I must have ridden quicker.

Ahem, er, now we come to the crux.  I was feeling good on the run and glanced at my watch.  A sudden feeling came to me that I was going to break 50mins and the person who had come 3rd overall last year got something like that.  A shiny podium may be lying in wait at the end...... Then I felt lonely.  Where was everyone?  Why were there no marshalls at this junction?  I had (and not for the first time) gone the wrong way.  By the time I had retraced my steps and gone into and across the field I should have I was a full 2 and a half minutes slower than last year!  Hence 4 seconds (I finished 6th).

In answer to my last question above I have learnt one thing this year.  I am a complete and utter muppet!

Ringmer Novice Triathlon Muppet Rating: 5

Triathlon Muppet

Lonely Muppet

"Come on legs, work," must have gone through my head a hundred times in two minutes as I slogged my way through the third km of the 10km run.  It was hot now, the cloud cover of earlier having burned off and left the sun beating down onto the baked mud.  Nothing on my body seemed to have any energy or power left.

The usual chain of events in the triathlons I have competed in runs a little like this.  I come towards the back of the swim pack, catch quite a few people on the bike whilst also being caught by a few myself, then overtake lots on the run.  This one, my local Waterlooville tri, was very different.

It was only a small event, clashing with Chichester who had changed their date resulting in ours suffering.  Most of the people in transition at the start looked somewhat fit and it was clear that most of the first timers had gone elsewhere.  Perhaps the length of the event might have had an effect.  My longest yet at 600m swim, 40k bike, 10k run.

I got overtaken by both the gent and the lady in my lane.  A firm push off after the lady had passed me at the end of the lane and I inadvertently tapped her toes twice.  So at the end of that lane she moved over to let me by.  Of course she was slightly quicker so within two lengths she was tapping my toes to come back past.  That muppetry cost us both time. Then, after a speedy transition (shoes clipped onto pedals don'tya know, check out the Shoe Muppet Blog for what happened last time I tried that), I jumped on the bike and headed out on my own.  The loneliness kicked in as I spent almost the whole hour and 27 minutes on my own, with only the whir of someone much faster coming past me every now and again.  Then onto the run and immediately I was overtaken again.

A flash of blue ahead gave my a sudden lift and I realised that I might just catch someone.  "Keep going mate," I muttered to him as I plodded past, sounding as though I had been passing people all day.

I made it to the end with some encouragement from wife and daughter around the corner from the finish.  This was a brilliantly marshalled event with tricky corners well covered and an interesting course.  Some tough climbs and hot weather made it tough but I was chuffed to get through it in a time of 2hrs and 35mins which is about what I expected.  33rd out of 44 so at least I didn't come last!  More training next time.

Muppet rating: 2 (toe tapping buffoonery, lack of training misery)

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet Sketch

Too much muppet

The muppet has definitely overstretched himself.

Last weekend I competed in the Steelman at Dorney Lake.  Being a 3 quarter Olympic event it was the furthest distances I had completed in any triathlon (1000m, 32k, 7.5k).  The problem is that I have been embroiled in end of term stuff at school.  Reports, end of year assemblies, awards evenings etc. etc.  Don't panic, I am not about to complain about the teacher's lot!  I have a great job and love every minute of it.  But you would think that I would realise, after 16 years, that some times of the year are just way too hectic to do any training (never mind blogging).

Hence I went into the Steelman under-cooked.  My brother beat me in the swim but I beat him out of transition 1.  I kept a steady pace throughout and was actually quite pleased with my performance.  What might have been had my training been better.  Times below:

Swim - 22.04
T1 - 1.43
Cycle - 1.03.37
T2 - 1.11
Run - 36.25
Overall - 2.05.02

So here I sit having finished the school term.  Now when I go into work I can ride and I can tailor my days around training.  The only problem being that my local triathlon (an Olympic distance event) is on Sunday.  So I have 3 days to pack in 3 weeks worth of training.  My muppetry score is all based on scheduling this time!

Muppet rating: 5

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet going nowhere fast

A quick blog to talk about my maiden sea triathlon last weekend.  It's report writing season at school so it won't be a long one.

I think I was the most nervous of any event going into this one.  The sea brings up strange emotions.  It's just so big.

The good news was that the crunching cold that I was expecting didn't materialise.  The sea was a balmy 14 degrees and that meant it was a similar temperature to the lake swims I had done previously.  I got lots of hellos from the Portsmouth Triathletes who were racing and organising the event down at Southsea.  That calmed me down, as did conversations with the people next to me in transition who all seemed to be rookies.

The big challenge for me in a triathlon is the swim and it proved that again this time.  My first muppetry is the fact I have such sensitive feet, which meant that as the rest of the wave ran and dived into the waves I gingerly tottered in like I was on hot coals.  There was a strongish tide coming across and this helped out to the first two buoys.  I was pleased with my direction as I didn't appear to be offline at any stage.

The problems started as we turned and headed back along the beach towards home.  It was directly into the tide and I just felt like I was going nowhere. I made the mistake of upping my effort rather than plodding on and all that did was fatigue me.  Still, I made it in the end.  Then I couldn't get my Velcro at the back of my neck undone.  I swear it is stuck on with superglue.  I fought it all the way up into transition, hardly a James Bond emergence from the water.

Transition went well once I had the wetsuit off and I was into the ride.  Not much to say here.  Super smooth roads and I kept a steady speed.  A good second transition and then the usual mistake of running too quick off the bike and suffering afterwards.  A slightly slower run than usual followed but I must remember that it was a longer and more demanding swim than I have done before.

All in all a pleasing first go with plenty to work on for next time.  Next race on 6 July back at Dorney lake.  A 3 quarter Olympic.  1000 swim, 35 bike and 7.5 run.  A step up again!

Muppet rating: 3 (sensitive toes, Velcro muppetry, running too fast off the bike)

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet all at sea

My first sea swim was reasonably successful.  With two weeks to go before competing in the Portsmouth sprint triathlon I thought it was becoming imperative that I actually ventured into the wild blue yonder.  An email from my club, Portsmouth Triathletes, mentioned that this Saturday would host a practise run for the main event.  Having bottled the previous Tuesday because of bad weather there was no way I could afford to leave it any longer, so out of bed I got and headed down to Southsea.

Nerves were not improved by the fact that, as preparations were underway, all anyone could talk about was how cold the water was.  A chilly 10.5 degrees Celsius was the verdict, a long way below the 14 degrees that was my coldest (at Eastleigh Lake) so far.  One of the lads from the club went in to 'get acclimatised' and appeared again after a couple of minutes suggesting that he wasn't going to swim in that temperature.

I am proud that I steeled myself to do it.  There were a couple of get-out clauses.  The organiser said that, as it was so cold, we could just watch to get an idea should we want to.  There was also the opportunity to do a shorter 400m swim rather than the full 750.  I decided that I wanted to see what I could do, I mean at least there were people there to pull me out if necessary!

I am now in love with my wetsuit.  The crushing cold that I was expecting actually wasn't that bad and I just plunged in and went for it.  After a few minutes I started to relax and trundled along nicely towards the back of the field (athough surprisingly not last).  It wasn't pretty and at one point I got the wrong side of the buoy and had to do a bit of a u-turn to go around it.  The mandatory muppet moment.

But I did it.  And you know, I quite enjoyed it.

Triathlon Muppet

Olympic Muppet

Ok, so I admit it, the title could be construed as slightly misleading.  I have used the somewhat tenuous link to the Olympic rowing venue of Dorney Lake as a header for this particular post.  I wasn't in the Olympics, racing with an Olympian, or even doing an Olympic distance triathlon.  But I am sticking with it, even though the comparison between the Brownlee brothers and the Marshallsay brothers (yes David was there again too) is difficult to make.

Scootathlon

The greatest pleasure of the day came as I watched my 7 year old daughter take part in the scootathlon.  She is not always the most confident of girls so to see her out there scooting, riding and running brought a tear to the eye.  She worked her way around the course steadily and finished really well, although we do need to do some work on choosing a gear higher than 1!  Legs were working ten to the dozen. Inspired by the sight of the kids racing David and I went and forced our way inside our wetsuits.

Open water swim!

After a couple of practices in the local lake down at Eastleigh I was feeling confident that I could complete the 400m distance if not confident overall.  David and I were in the 'mates wave' where you could join up with other people you knew rather than getting put in different waves at different times.  The gratifying thing at the start was that there seemed to be a rush of people trying to get to the back of the field as we were treading water in preparation.

The start was a whirlwind of motion.  We had made our way out to the right and away from the main bulk of people.  But even so I made contact with several bodies and had to wriggle and manoeuvre myself into a position whereby I could actually swim.  Competitive nature took over and I found myself puffing out my chest and making sure that my elbows were out to create some space.  This was the part of the race I had been most worried about and I found that I loved it!

After about 50m I realised that I had been caught up in the euphoria of the moment and was swimming at an all out sprint.  I forced myself to slow to a steady rhythm and tried to get my heart rate back under control.  At the turning buoy the field closed up again as everyone headed for the inside line, great fun as the argy bargy began again.  I didn't know where David was as its impossible to get any real inclination of where you are or who is around you.  It would turn out his power breast stroke was not too far behind me and, amazingly, we were both in the top half of the field.

Transition 1

I crawled/clambered out of the water, my brain trying (fairly unsuccessfully) to go from horizontal to vertical.  I got myself moving up the slope and towards transition.  I fumbled ineffectively with the Velcro at the top of my wetsuit, ripping it apart with cold fingers.  The only problem was that when I pulled down the zip on the wetsuit the velcro had firmly re-stuck in place - it was like industrial strength glue!  Anti-chafe stuff had been liberally rubbed onto ankles, wrists and neck to help get the wetsuit off and this worked like a charm as I wriggled out and put on my bike shoes.  I had planned to clip them onto the bike and leap on Javier Gomex style (you can see what happened last time I tried this in the Shoe Muppet BLOG).  Unfortunately I had forgotten my elastic bands (ahem).  On the whole transition went more smoothly than usual and I was out onto the bike.

The Cycle

There isn't a huge amount to say about the bike leg.  I settled onto my aero-bars and pumped my legs.  I looked down, I was moving at about 36km per hour and realised that this is what it's like to ride on the flat.  I was cruising and feeling good.  It was only when I went around the far end of the lake that I understood that I had been riding downwind!  I wasn't quite sure whether I was ahead of David, there had been several breast-strokers around me during the swim and I hadn't thought to check whether his bike was still in transition.  I thought I probably was but it was a good motivating factor nevertheless.  Soon I was finishing my 4th lap and moving into transition for the second time.

Transition 2

I undid my bike shoes just before the line and jumped off (possibly a slightly grandiose statement) to run in bare feet to my station.  I took off helmet and glasses and then put trainers on my feet.  Remarkably smooth!

The Run

I felt rotten coming out onto the run course.  Had I blown myself up by pushing too hard on the bike?  I was acutely aware that David is in the run form of his life, having finished a 5k race at around 21 mins, a full 2 minutes + ahead of my best time.  I dug in and plodded along, hoping that the feeling would pass.  Over a couple of bridges I passed some people and for the first time understood that I had probably started at the same time as them.  Each one I passed meant another place gained.  The course did a u-turn and sent me back towards the transition area.  After a little while I saw David, his beard recognisable from a distance, and realised that he wouldn't be able to catch up, he was just far enough back for me to relax.  These positive thoughts coincided with a better feeling and I started to push along harder as the turn came for the second lap.  Soon I felt positively great and really moved up through the gears to the end.

I had achieved a personal best in all three disciplines (alright, I know, it was the first swim I had done in the open water).  I wasn't surprised by the bike as it was so flat but the run was particularly pleasing, a personal best for 5k in any race!  My position of 160th was in the top third of competitors and David was in the top half.  A good day all around.

Splits:

Swim - 9:43

T1 - 1:58

Cycle - 41:16

T2 - 1.02

Run - 23:04

Total - 1:17:05

Position - 160/488

Age group position - 37/78

Muppet rating: 1 (Velcro issues and forgotten laccy bands)

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet on wheels

As I consider my first open water triathlon in the upcoming days my thoughts have been dwelling on the nature of the sport and how much cash you have.  Specifically the amount of money you have available to spend on a bike.

I spent around 1000 pounds on my bike including the pedals (still bemused that the bike didn't come with pedals attached) and a few bits and bobs.  I managed to do this through the bike to work scheme run by my company (thanks GDST).  In terms of racing though this is very much entry level stuff, although I see lots of other people riding similar beasts during triathlons.

Now, the legs are the engine and they power the bike.  I am aware of this and this blog is not just an excuse to make up for my lack of mojo on the ride section.  However..... People riding time trial or triathlon bikes do have a distinct and real advantage (ok, you might argue stuff about terrain but you take my point).  This was brought home to me during the duathlon at Goodwood motor circuit as these extremely expensive dream machines were flying past me on a regular basis.

The point is this.  How much money you have or are prepared to sacrifice on triathlon has a direct result on how fast you will go.  You could argue there are lots of sports like this.  Golf is dependant on your equipment and you can spend a fortune on clubs and gadgets, but I am still not convinced that it will make that much difference whatever the manufacturers say.  Top of the range clubs won't fix my dodgy swing.  Unlike cycling.

So the long and short of it is if I had pots of cash and a great, super fast, carbon bicycle then I could beat Javier Gomez no problem.  Or perhaps the top of the range bike won't fix my dodgy riding....

Triathlon Muppet

Open water muppet

Saturday saw me dip my toes and eventually the rest of me into the murky depths of Eastleigh lake.

Myself and my brother David got up at the stupid hour of 6am and looked at each other in disbelief.  As David put it 'hmm, not as though we have to get up really early all week is it?'.  At that time the irony was almost completely lost on me.  The rain was coming down outside and we were both feeling decidedly chilly.  Let's just suggest that motivation was somewhat low.

The pair of us managed to drag ourselves out of the door and made the half hour journey in close to silence.  this was very much a first and nerves were hanging in the air.  As we arrived we saw some fit looking people who looked like they knew what they were doing, which always serves to demotivate.  We checked in with the bloke from Trytri and signed a waiver (always a worry) and headed down towards the lake.  Shiny new wetsuits came out of boxes and we were soon heaving them on and having to get a bit too friendly as we did the others' up and applied some anti-chafe stuff (I know, gorgeous huh.  To necks I hasten to add).

I took the plunge first.  Well, by that I mean I walked delicately into the water and stood around for a bit getting used to it.  it was cold but not crushingly so and the wetsuits do a remarkable job of sealing in the warmth.

I tried a few strokes and realised that there was absolutely no visibility.  the cold also became much more intense as the face went in and I became aware that I wasn't breathing out at all underwater, classic signs of minor panic.  I gathered myself again and forced breaths out on the second occasion, gradually being able to relax and settle into swimming.  David seemed to have got to the same point.

'Come on then, let's go for it,' he said and we set of to try a lap of 350m.  The reality is that it is quite pleasurable once you get going and really nice to swim through water that is not chlorinated.  It is much more tiring though as you are constantly swimming and don't have the security of pushing off the wall every 25m.

We managed to achieve 3 laps and got out feeling pleased with ourselves.  Getting out of wet wetsuits was next and I think there is a huge amount of muppet potential in a race with that particular element.  Two weeks until Dorney Lake and the first open water triathlon.  I am almost looking forward to it....

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet on the rise

I must confess to sitting here feeling a bit of a warm glow.  Yes, some of it is to do with a bit too much sun on bank holiday Monday but the majority is based around a job well done.  The Tonbridge Sprint Triathlon has been completed and I am struggling to think of a single piece of muppetry!

My brother David and my friend Andy were both competing as well.  Another friend, Stefan, was in a later wave than us but we would be there to see him finish.  In the last race at Andover (where my muppet rating had gone through the roof), Andy had proved to be the dark horse and stormed to a two minute margin ahead of myself and David.  All of our training leading up to this race seemed to have gone well and there were definitely less moans about aches and pains.  As usual we were each trying to boost each other up to be the favourite.

A really nice touch about this event was that you could put other people's names in when you registered.  This meant, unusually for a pool based triathlon, you could start very close together with friends and family.  This would lead to a great race, particularly between Andy and me.  It also added to the tension somewhat as we all lined up on the side of the pool next to each other.

I was off first.  I settled into what I thought was a nice rhythm but still have the problem of an adrenaline rush at the start which means I set off at jet propelled speed and then suffer through the second half of the swim.  I am hoping that this will rectify itself when I perform at longer distances and settle in for a more steady pace.

Coming out of the swim I ran towards transition and noticed that Andy was close behind.  He is a stronger swimmer than me so it was no surprise, I just didn't know how long he had started after me.  Amazingly I got number belt, shoes, glasses and helmet on with no problem and was out and running with my bike to mount and get away.  It would be David who was the muppet this time, running around transition looking for his lost bike.  It turned out that two gents were stood having a nice chat right in front of it!

The first half of the cycle was quite tough.  There were three fairly major climbs, one of which saw me in the lowest possible gear I could use.  I started to feel quite sick and am thinking that I don't need the performance gel consumed before the event.  The sugary gloop seems to sit on my stomach as soon as I take it.

As I reached the end of the third climb a voice came from my right.  "Good morning young man," said Andy as he pedalled past.  I dug in and tucked in behind him (at least seven metres of course, no drafting allowed).  I was determined that he wouldn't cycle away from me.  Steep descents followed and I continued to track behind Andy considering my next move.

With about 2km to go he went through a junction and the marshall stopped me to let three cars past.  Determined not to lose touch I accelerated fast to catch him.  Realising I was carrying a lot of speed it seemed foolish to slow down again so I went past, leaving a suitable comment behind as I did.  Hence I carried the lead into transition 2 and out onto the run (via another remarkably smooth change).  Andy was still doggedly hanging on behind me and I couldn't resist glances back over my shoulder.

Luckily I managed to get my tactics right.  I took the first lap of the run fairly easily and tried to push on during the second lap.  As I came into the finish amidst encouragement of family and friends I looked back.  Andy was about 300m behind me and struggling to keep going.  It would now all depend on how long after me he had started in the swim.

It turned out that I beat him by around 40 seconds and David, who had found his bike by then, by about 5 minutes.  I had also finished in the top third of all the competitors (109th), which I am extremely chuffed about.  Things are definitely looking up.  Only now I am considering the small matter of my first open water triathlon on May 25th at Dorney Lake, plenty of opportunities for muppetry when you throw a wetsuit into the equation.

Tonbridge triathlon Muppet rating:  0!

Triathlon Muppet

Duathlon Muppet

I sometimes have an issue with overconfidence when thinking I can achieve something.  This can be a really good thing when I commit and then have to come up with the goods, regardless of whether it was in my skill set before.  With multi-sport it can be great as when you have entered an event, quite often at considerable expense, it means that you have to get through it and prepare.  Sometimes you get over excited and enter something that is possibly a step too far.

Late 2012 had just whetted my appetite for the sport.  I needed something to keep me going over the winter so that I didn't fall back into old, sedentary habits.  As such, I joined Portsmouth Triathletes.  A well run, welcoming club that were happy to accept even muppets like me.  It seemed churlish then not to enter the first of their events to come along, the Goodwood Duathlon.  Fresh from my championship winning form (see previous but one BLOG) I thought it was about time that I went long.  And so I entered the 4k run 40k bike, 8k run event rather than the shorter one.

Somehow I managed to persuade both my brothers that it would be a good idea as well.  Tim, the youngest of us and a very efficient runner, didn't even have a bike at the time so he was particularly brave.  I gave him my hybrid sit up and beg bike that is great for trails but perhaps not quite so effective on a wide, flat motor circuit.  My favourite quote when we arrived was a kindly duathlete spotting his bike and saying: "don't worry, people are really nice here, you'll be fine."  The only shame is she didn't finish with "bless you."

This 'spring' in the UK has been absolutely freezing and this day was no exception.  The temperature was hovering around minus 3 Celsius as we approached the circuit.  We had all brought extra gear to keep us warm and would be glad of it during the race, in particular the overshoes for the bike leg that meant our feet were only moderate blocks of ice rather than glaciers.  The coldest man at the circuit was my dad, who had come to watch his boys fly around the circuit.  How proud he must have been when we trailed in at the back of the field.

Alarm bells began to ring as we set off.  All three of us are reasonable runners, but as soon as the whistle went the rest of the competitors leapt forward and left David and I in their wake.  Tim was keeping pace and running strongly, clearly concerned about the cycle leg.  I suddenly started to worry that he might even beat me on a hybrid bike, now that would be embarrassing!

Warming up slightly we made our way into a nasty, biting wind along the back straight.  In fact, in a physics defying fashion, it seemed that the wind was against for three quarters of the lap.  Soon we were in transition.  I had pulled out a slight gap on David and was pleased to see Tim still there struggling with his helmet (bless him).  "I can't get the blessed thing done up," he yelled at me, or words to that effect.  David arrived shortly afterwards but would faff in transition for ages getting his hair and makeup perfect before setting off.

For once my transition was swift and I came out just after Tim and soon overtook as he toiled into the breeze.  I tucked down into aero position and accelerated, feeling good.  The men and women on the carbon bikes (powered by stronger legs than mine) flew past but I was leading the personal Marshallsay battle.  10 laps to go....

By lap 5 I was struggling.  I knew this by the fact that I had been overtaken by one of the marshalls who was gently riding around checking on the competitors.  You always know the going is tough when you get well meaning, but mildly patronising, encouragement.  The sensible people doing the shorter distance peeled off at lap 6 and I looked on enviously as I sailed past the pits/transition area to complete another 4 laps.

On lap 7 the worst happened.  Legs burning and lungs empty I heard David's voice "keep going bro," and he was past.  I had no response and he gradually pulled away.  A momentary lift came on the next circuit as I lapped Tim.  He hurled a string of expletives that I couldn't possibly repeat here in my general direction.  I believe he was suggesting that this was all my fault (at which point I couldn't agree more).  The last lap finally arrived and the track was full of runners but there were very few bikes still out there.  I am sure that at one point a nun on a shopping bicycle came past, but perhaps I was hallucinating?

I limped thankfully into transition and was pleased to see David still there playing with his equipment.  His faffing had got me back into the race.  Just an 8km run to do but my legs were waking up and I had a brother 100m ahead to chase down.

I caught him towards the end of the first lap and went past him.  I expected him to respond and was surprised when I looked back that he had disappeared.  I looked back again a bit later and there he was, a long way behind.  It would transpire that he stopped to have a wee!

David slowly caught me over the next lap but I was determined that he wouldn't recover his lead.  I managed to stay ahead and came in to the finish, even overtaking one of the few people left out on the circuit.  David finished soon after and we settled down to wait for Tim.   He came in dead last but had run two fantastic run splits.  

All three of us found this really hard but were chuffed to have completed it in tough conditions.  Tim is still talking to me and might even be thinking of getting a decent bike to try another.  I am worried that if David ever stops faffing I could be in trouble.  

Next year I will be back, and maybe the boys will be too....

Muppet rating: 1 (biting off more than I could chew)

Triathlon Muppet

An Ironic (not iron) Muppet

Recently I have been considering the changes in my life that endurance sport, specifically triathlon, has brought.  Let's not get too deep here, I haven't solved the meaning of life (I know 42) or anything.

What got me started is that whenever anything comes up or family plans are discussed I now always have a little demon in the back of my brain thinking "mm, how am I going to fit my training around that?".  A classic example is when Flissy and one of her friends decided that they were going to spend a few days in Spain over the upcoming half term.

"No problem at all, go away and have fun," I said.  "Mm, how am I going to fit my training around that?" said my brain.  Before I knew it I was on the phone to my mum to ask her what she was doing over half term.  Of course I had justified it to myself that it would be lovely for her to spend some time with my daughter and they could do lots together.  I may have come to that conclusion anyway, but was the reason I was so quick to think it that she could be around while I was able to train?  Still, it will be nice for them to spend some time together....

Now on to the reason for the title.  I am thinking like this now, but when I had the opportunity to do things like train I didn't.  I am sure an awful lot of people will associate with this but when I was in my early twenties I did a lot of quality sitting on the sofa.  I was a young PE teacher who had fallen on my feet by landing a plum job in Jersey (a small, beautiful island south of the UK for those reading from far afield).  I was in charge of the field hockey programme and played a lot for a local club as well.  Coming off my PE degree I was as fit as a butcher's dog, able to chase a small ball around to my hearts content.

Slowly, over the course of the next 8 years or so, I spent less time actually training and more relaxing.  I was tired after a day teaching outside, I stopped joining in with the warm ups, I was still playing matches so must be getting fit that way, yada yada yada.  What I hadn't cut back on was enjoying the restaurant and bar lifestyle that went with a life in Jersey, especially in the school holidays where I could meet up with friends from hockey who were working in town and have a nice lunch with a few pints.

Before I knew it I was leaving Jersey and gazing at a photo of myself at a recent wedding.  I was sweating, my neck was bulging out of my collar and my belt was clearly under strain.  I had gone from a stripling of 10 stone to a heavyweight at 13 stone.  Trust me, for a little fella like me that is plenty.

Now here I am, struggling to fit in the training I would like to do which, if I had the motivation, I could have easily done in the past.  Triathlon has done this, I am now 11 stone and even carrying a bit of muscle.  Long may it continue....

Triathlon Muppet

The shoe Muppet

I find myself in a tent in my own back garden with my daughter snoring quietly in her sleeping bag beside me.  We visited Flissy doing her Duke of Edinburgh type thing with her kids from school this afternoon and the little un decided she wanted to camp out.  So here we are.

We also had some visitors over the last few days.  I found myself thinking "hmm, it will be great to see them but how am I going to fit in my training?"  I am not sure this is a good thing.  At least I was sensible enough not to articulate that in my wife's hearing.

Back to my ongoing tale of muppetry in triathlon.  September 2012 had finished with the successful fun distance at Warwickshire.  I decided that I might be able to fit in one more event before the season closed and fixed my eyes on the Ferndown sprint tri.  400m swim, 18km bike, 5km run.

It was an early start and the weather was clear and cold, around 2 degrees.  I was up and out of the door by 5.30 and mornings are not my strength.  My swim start time was 7am and I had never swum that early before, mistake number one.  I swam like a brick wrapped in dodgy triathlon shorts, trying to get out of the pool two lengths early into the bargain.  The look on the counter's face was all I needed to get back in.

I ran out of the pool in my tri shorts and the cold hit home as soon as I was out of the building.  My bike was about half way down the rack and by the time I got there my feet were already frozen.  I had elected to use the same tactics that I had in the previous two races - bike shoes already clipped onto pedals.  This slowed me down even further as I ran with my ice block feet to the bike mount area.  I noticed other people putting on socks and gloves too.  Hadn't thought of that.

Still, I jumped onto the bike and hared off, feet on top of shoes.  As I tried to slip my feet in something didn't seem right.  I looked down and all I could do was laugh, my bike shoes were clipped onto the wrong pedals.  Left on right and vica versa.

There was nothing for it other than to stop, get off, take the shoes off and put them on the correct feet. Muppet!  By the time I got back to transition all feeling had left my extremities and it took me a full lap of the run to get any back.  It's a very strange feeling to run on two lumps of concrete where your feet used to be.

My overall time was a pedestrian 86.23 minutes.  Triathlon had brought me back down to earth with a bump.

Ferndown Muppet rating: 5 (counting, shoes (3), frozen bits)

Triathlon Muppet

Muppetry of the bell kind

My ever so kind brother has reminded me of some extra muppetry that went unreported in my last post regarding the Warwickshire Fun Triathlon.  To keep good order I will report this to you now....

In order to 'save weight' on my bike I decided to take my bell and a few other bits and bobs off and leave them at home.  As we arrived at the Holiday Inn and the bike came off the car Flissy decided to ask where the bell had gone.  "Isn't it part of the Highway Code?" She asked,  "oh never mind, I'm sure it will be fine."

Alarms of course began to ring and I went straight out and bought a new bell.  Couldn't find one that would fit on the bars properly but it seemed to stay on ok without being screwed on.  The Gonzo moment with the goggles followed later in the evening (see last post) and the bell was forgotten.

Up nice and early my brother and I set off with the family and his girlfriend to the event.  The bikes went onto our cars and we drove into Stratford.  As we succeeded in parking in the fraught car park at the sports centre we took them back off again.

"Where is your bell?" Said Flissy.

Updated Muppet Rating: 3

Triathlon Muppet

Glorious muppetry

This is where I get to look back at my glory day of triathlon.  Trust me when I tell you that I can never do better than when I took part in the Warwickshire Fun Triathlon on 30th September 2012.  There was also some muppetry of course!

I had roped one of my brothers in this time as well, my friend Andy couldn't make this particular one.  David had gone the whole hog:  New bike, shoes, trainers etc so there was no advantage gained from equipment.  There was one area that I had the upper hand though, he was a very poor swimmer who hated to put his head in the water.  He had done some work on it but was still using a bit of head-up, gentle breast-stroke.  I say he was a poor swimmer because, despite still doing breast-stroke, he is now as fast with that as I am with my front crawl.

The whole family went up to Stafford the night before and we stayed in a Holiday Inn or some such hotel.  It was there that the Gonzo tendencies once again reared their ugly head.  David and I went through all of our equipment and laid it out ready.  Bike, cycling shoes, trainers, shorts, top, tracksuit, goggles......  Goggles?

I could picture them sitting nicely in my usual swimming bag at home.  I looked at my watch and tried to avoid looking at the smirking brother.  Where was I going to get goggles at 11.30 on a Saturday evening.  "There's a Tesco's over the road," mentioned a despairing Flissy who was spotting my mounting despair as I contemplated some of my own head-up breast-stroke.  Off I ran at race pace.

The lady at the desk in Tesco's gave me a withering gaze and then called over someone else.  then a further two staff members were called over and soon there was a whole team come to gather around the muppet.  The last lady saved me.  "I think we have a pair out the back."

Her rummaging produced a pair of cheap Zoggs in a battered old box.  I have no idea where she produced them from but her punishment was to get a massive hug and kiss on the cheek from me.  I could still hear them all laughing as I wandered out of the store.

The race itself went remarkably well.  A solid 200m snake swim followed by a silky smooth transition onto the bike.  A tough 23km ride through some positively dangerous roads in windy conditions.  Then a solid 2.5km run.  This triathlon malarky is easy!  David did really well in his first attempt and I could tell that there was going to be some serious competition from him and Andy in the future.

The amazing part of the whole thing is that my time of 72.52 minutes was the quickest of all in the 35 to 39 age group.  This is the first and last time I will ever 'win' a triathlon!  I was on cloud 9 and as soon as I got home I looked to squeeze another one in before the end of the season.  Little did I know that the Triathlon Muppet was getting ready to appear with a vengeance.......

Warwickshire Fun Triathlon muppet rating:  2 (forgotten goggles)

Triathlon Muppet

The muppet marches on

What is it with the weather we have had since last May.  It seems like as soon as I decided to take up triathlon it has rained, or snowed, or been as cold as polar regions in March.

I set off on the bike this morning on my last day in Wales.  It was positively balmy at 10 degrees or so and the sun was even trying to peak through.  I was on a fairly short blast through the hills (which makes me sound fast) and was enjoying the ride.  I turned at the furthest point of the route and was confronted by a massive black cloud in the distance.  Maybe I could beat it back to base?  No chance, soaked to the skin and careering down hills with dubious control from wet brakes.  I am beginning to think that the sound of rain bouncing off my cycle helmet is the normal harmony of a day out.

Flissy was pleased when I put the wet, muddy bike in the boot of our new car to bring it all the way home to the south coast.  Well it can't ride on the back of the car, it might get rained on!

Muppet rating: 1

Triathlon Muppet

Muppet in the making

I have just returned from an extremely damp run through the hills around Berriew in mid-Wales.  As I was labouring up steep slopes and trying not to fall over coming back down them I wondered why I was training like this.  After all, the only thing I would previously have been thinking about in this part of the world was how pleasant the glass of red in my hand was.  My brother and sister in law always keep an outstanding table!

The unwise commitment I had made in May of 2012 had led me to an early morning get up in mid August.  The chiropractor had done a remarkable job on my back and I actually went into the novice triathlon in better shape than I had been in for years.  I had a new bike (a Specialised Allez Elite no less) and some proper running trainers.  Looking around at others taking part also made me feel better about myself, a lot of them were pretty ordinary sorts and there were all shapes and sizes.  My wife Flissy and daughter were in tow and we met up with my friend Andy.

What we didn't realise was that the sprint competitors were going off first and that we would have quite a lengthy wait before the start of the novice event.  Andy and I sat around in the sunshine resplendent in our newly purchased tri shorts, bellies hanging quietly over waistbands.  In hindsight we would realise that we had chosen the hottest day of the year for our baptism.

A snake swim of 250m (ducking under lane ropes and all sorts), a cycle of 12.5km, and a run of 3km.  Now it seems all very short, but at the time I was wondering if my body could cope.  Surprisingly for all concerned everything went a very smoothly, even the part where I had pre-clipped my bike shoes onto the pedals and secured with elastic bands.  I had picked this up from YouTube clips, you leap onto (or gingerly climb on in my case) and pedal with your feet on top of the shoes for a bit.  The elastic bands snap and you slip your feet in, no problem.  This went really well and I surmised that it was the way forward, something that would come back to bite me in the future!

I finished in a time of 51.39 which I was very pleased with, particularly the run where I was quite high on the leader board (lots of people had wilted in the sun).  Andy also did well and came in not far behind, particularly as he was on a mountain bike.  He even survived Flissy shouting at him to "stop faffing" in transition.

So no muppetry at all, this triathlon stuff was easy.  But of course that couldn't be the case.  I got home, stripped off and looked forlornly into the mirror at the pink lobster gazing back.  Perfectly white where the shorts had been.  My Gonzo moment this time had been leaving the sun cream sitting nicely on the bathroom sink.

Ringmer novice triathlon Muppet rating - 1 (sunburn)

Triathlon Muppet

In the beginning, there was muppetry

It all began with signs of things to come.

Some may disagree with me but in the world of sport I have been well organised.  I have captained and coached several teams and generally know what is what.  But the early days of embarking on a voyage into the individual sport of triathlon proved I had a whole different side.

It started before it even started.  I made the commitment on a boozy night in May of 2012 (how many others can say the same), by entering a novice triathlon in August in Ringwood, Sussex.  Smartphones are wonderful things but they do allow you to do things on the spur of the moment.  It was only the next day that I looked at my different capabilities:

I was pretty sure I could swim two lengths front crawl without having a cardiac arrest.  Any more was questionable.

I only had a hybrid bike that I got for my birthday.  My bike skills before that mainly involved the Grifter I had in the 1980's.

I could run a bit, but this was based on two 10km races completed when challenged by my brothers and dad.  My fitness was all about chasing a ball over short distances and nothing to do with endurance.

A fundamentally low base.  Throw into that my new found muppetry and things were bound to be interesting.

Two weeks later and I was laid on a chiropractors table with a seriously locked up lower back.  When playing hockey I had always done a full warm up before the game with the lads in the team.  Of course now, despite knowing all the sports science, I was just jumping on a bike or just leaping out of the door for a run.  My body didn't like it.  The muppet tendencies had started even before I had got near a race.

Was this such a good idea, I thought.  Then my mate Andy called and told me he had entered the race  as well having heard all my bravado and enthusiasm.  No backing out now.....

Triathlon Muppet

Muppetry at it's finest

So, here I am on my 39th birthday and what did I decide to do, a 40km bike ride through the Welsh hills.  The simple fact that my bike just had to be in the car and ready to go as soon as we made our way up here tells a story about how things have changed over the last 8 months or so.  Back then the main thing I would have been making sure was in the car was a case of wine.

The triathlon buffoonery began in August 2012 when I did my first ever novice event, but maybe I will go through that another time.  I have named myself 'Triathlon Muppet' due to the fact that I have had some absolute howlers so far in this wonderful new world.  A moderately decent hockey player who had never done or understood any sort of endurance sport my early attempts have been somewhat comical.

Take last Sunday for example:

400m pool swim.  All going well, I overtook a lady doing some half decent breast stroke and was in turn overtaken by a bloke who had better front crawl than me (not hard).  One side of my goggles was leaking but that was fine apart from the fact that it felt like someone was holding my eye open and pouring neat chlorine into it.  Then the bloke got out and I suddenly thought "I've counted my lengths wrong, I should be getting out!" So I stop half way down the length, look around dumbly and decide that I had better carry on.  Then I stop again at the end of that length, should I get out now and run around the pool?  No, the lady is still going I had better get going.  Family on the balcony are also going ballistic.  Turns out I had counted right in the first place.

Transition 1.  Swim to bike.
I run to transition and efficiently put on jacket, socks (it was cold), bike shoes, sunglasses and helmet.  I grab the bike and wave at the family banging madly on the windows on the balcony of the sports hall.  It's only when I run out that I realise why they were shouting.  The belt with my number on it is still on the floor of transition.  Sheepishly returning to get it I wonder if I will be disqualified for going through the chip timing mechanism 4 times rather than two.

21km bike ride.

Transition 2.  Bike to run.
The bike ride had gone really well, no calamities at all.  Things are looking up.  I run into transition and try to get my jacket off, zip well and truly stuck!  Ok, I will run with it on.  "Just take it off as you run and we will pick it up for you!" Shouts a despairing wife.  Good idea I think and set off to run.  "Shoes!" She yells.  "Shoes!" Shouts my 7 year old daughter.  Ah yes, I still have bike shoes on.

The run. 5km.
I am eventually running in the right shoes and have managed to get my jacket off.  Nothing can go wrong from here.  I find myself running alone having overtaken a couple of people struggling along. I follow some tape around a corner and then go around it at the end. After going around a building I see people running back towards me. My arms go up and the fit looking guy approaching laughs at me. "Round the lake mate," he calls. At least I have cheered him up. I retrace my steps and realise I should have kept going left rather than go around the end of tape. Only I can go the wrong way on a simple 2.5km loop of a field and lake. Odd looks appear on the faces of the triathletes I overtake for the second time. As I complete the first lap and call to Flissy that I had gone the wrong way the roll of the eyes was monumental.

I did finish.

My mate Andy beat me by a couple of minutes but I still managed to beat the middle brother (I am eldest of 3). One day bro!

Next tri muppet outing is on 6th May in Tonbridge. Oh, and Welsh hills are steep!

Triathlon Muppet